Whoops

Well, it's been almost a full year since I've posted anything on this blog.

I would use the excuse of 'I was busy' or 'I had things on my mind' but in all honestly, I completely forgot about this page and everything I wrote on it. After reading back through the hundreds of posts I wrote (3, I wrote 3) I decided that to whoever may view this (next joke pls) would like an update on the previous entries to my online diary.

I am now 18, scary stuff. I am now officially an adulty adult, burdened with the responsibilities of growing up. I can now legally buy alcohol, I can also verify that very alcohol at work (exciting stuff). Overall, turning 18 is not all that it's cracked up to be. I feel no different, maybe a little more free but other than that I'm still that anxiety stricken teenage girl who's afraid of the oven and doesn't know how to iron. Adulthood? I'm working on it.

Also, I eventually bought a swimming costume. It was for a holiday I went on with my boyfriend's family, where there were so many wasps, but the food was so amazing (shout out to Honeywill for making the most delicious meals for 15 people, you're a star). I also faced a very big fear when I was there, but I will write a separate post on that as I feel that it's a very important topic not only for me, but for everyone who struggles with excepting their bodies.

It's currently 00:20 here in England, I have worked for 4 days straight and been on a night out. In other words, I should probably get some sleep.

Goodnight/good morning to anyone who bothers to read my shitty blogs, thanks a bunch xox

Becoming an adulty adult

Being a adult scares the shit out of me.

You spend your life from the ages of 11-15 wanting to be older than you actually are; worrying about your appearance, going to parties, drinking, having relationships, thinking about or actually having sex.

But then when you hit the age of 16, everything starts to sink in.

This might be an over-exaggeration for some people due to my anxiety and my stressfulness, but i began to worry about everything. EVERYTHING. It could be as big as a career choice, or as small as what alcohol to take to a party so i didn't look as incompetent and naive as i actually was.

As i started to get older, i noticed what i worried about changed. It was no longer boys or makeup, it was career paths, jobs, finance and being able to deal with the added pressures of being an adult. Society thinks that teenagers are prepared for this giant leap into another life style, but the truth is we're all so shocked about how hard it is we feel scared to ask any questions. The useless and compulsory 'life skill' classes didn't teach me that i would have to pay 20 to 30 pounds each month on my phone bill, they didn't inform me that in my first year of GCSEs i had to already decide what career i wanted to pursue for the rest of my life, and they certainly didn't tell me what an economical slump the world is in and will still be in by the time i have to handle a life on my own.

The independence, that scares me the most. I'm not too lazy regarding chores and what not, but my mum still hasn't taught me how to work the washing machine and i have an actual fear of the vacuum cleaner. Do you see my concerns? I'm not saying that i would die if i was left on my own, but i would definitely struggle and it bothers me that no one warned me of this until about 2 years ago.

I'm aware i'm blessed compared to others, and no i'm not talking about people in third world countries, i mean the people who had to grow up a lot quicker than the rest of us to deal with family issues. I guess that still applies to those people in third world countries. Whatever the case, i take my hat off to you wonderful people.

I'm just scared for the future, and i know that's natural but i like to be in control. In this situation, i am not in control and i don't like it.

I know i'm not the only one who feels this way, maybe i should start up an internet support group like Dan Howell and sprinkle my advice onto budding worriers of the adulty adult world.

Maybe the future won't give me too much trouble, but being a cynic, i don't have very high hopes.

Fun, Fun, Fun.

So today before my shift at work i went shopping.

For swimwear.

Shopping is hard enough for someone like me with very difficult self-esteem issues, but the fact that i am also 6"2 does not act in my favour either. My mum and i went to Matalan, a clothing store here in the UK. To my surprise, there was a sale, which i was obviously very happy about.

But then it began.

Searching through racks to find my size, clothes that i actually liked and colours that i would wear in public rather than in the comfort of my own home.

SO MUCH STRESS.

I'm a very stressy person in general, little things could set me off like carrying more than one bag on the bus when i have to sit upstairs (another challenge of mine as i'm too tall). Added with my anxiety, this experience was beginning to become worse and worse. It was hot, i was sweating and i could tell my mum just wanted to grab everything i had in my hand, drag me to the tills and leave.

But the next challenge arose when i realised i still had to try the bloody clothes on.

So in i waltz to the mediocrely clean dressing room and dash into the first cubicle in sight. I proceeded to undress, as one does when trying on clothes, and i start to sweat. i swear to God, i was like a roasting turkey in those dressing rooms. I just needed to be basted, seasoned and served to be the perfect core of a Sunday roast.

In the end i got so stressed and sweaty that i just decided to buy a few items and didn't even bother with the swimwear.

That can be another day's challenge.

Hello Hello

It's currently 12:30am here in England and i'm sat here desperately trying to think of something to write for a blog that will most probably only be seen by me.

I'm Jess, i'm 17 years old and i'm what you would call a cynic.

That's it. That's all there really is to me and that's not just me being modest.

I could just use this space as a place to write down my experiences, because God knows i have a lot of things to be cynical about in my mediocre life.

I've been wanting to do this for some time, write a blog i mean. I guess i just didn't have the courage and maybe i thought it was pointless. I don't know, we shall have to see how this goes.

Here we go.